You know, I have been thinking of this for a while. At least since the 9th when I started typing this.
Let’s (not really) Recap
I thought that this year was going to be great. I felt like I was on cloud nine with the way the year started and the plan for how I wanted it to go. Fast forward and my plan was not exactly working out but that was okay. Until it wasn’t. I am obviously not going into detail about what happened, but I fell into a slump. I lost one of the most important people in my life and I handled it the way I believe most men do. By throwing myself in work and isolating myself.
Now hear me out, I am only human and I believe all humans are self-destructive. The self-destruction part can vary from person to person, but I think the main factor involved is the individual’s support system. I don’t think that I have the best system and I also don’t think I have the worst either, but losing the person I thought I was going to spend my life with was devastating.
I once heard a quote that was something along the lines of “grief never goes away, it just changes what it looks like,” and I thought it was interesting. Though I have had a somewhat short time to actually grieve this loss, I think I understand what it means. I am sure most of us have, or will, experience heavy grief in one way or another. I think that over time the hurt starts to hurt just a little less and you start to look back on the fond and mundane things with joy in the middle of the hurt. I don’t think I am there just yet. I know I will be one day. I just know that is not today.
The New Year
I don’t know what 2025 will look like. I am praying it will be better. I pray that I am in a better place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I want to be a better me and build new relationships with others so that I don’t feel so alone at times. I hope to learn what it means to do things by myself again. Maybe I will start a new romantic relationship? Who knows. Taking it one day at a time is the only thing any of us can do. I don’t know how optimistic I can be and continue fluffing this out. Go be nice to people. Be just a little bit of a better version of yourself than you were the day before. It is alright to have bad days.
And to You
You are one of the smartest, goofiest, and most amazing people I have had the privilege of knowing, and I think you will be able to do everything you set your mind to. I miss you. I learned a lot about myself from our time together. I have a tear run down my face every time I think of you because it still hurts for me. I hope that you have a wonderful year. I want the best for you. I hope you have the growth you need.